A year ago today..

January 26th, 2008 at 12:28pm your sweet little head popped out and my world changed forever, sweet Bodhi.

My heart melted the second I laid eyes on you. You were just so beautiful. Our first night in the hospital I wanted to stare at you all night. I watched you sleeping so beautiful and silent. I had never felt so peaceful in all my life. Maybe a little of that had to do with the vicodin, oh how I love the vicodin. Either way, as I stared at you I felt euphoric. I sensed a completeness in my life that I had never sensed before.

Bringing you home was the greatest feeling ever. Knowing that I had two healthy boys and a fantastic husband made my days so fulfilling. Your dad catered to my every need, feeding me, loving me, supporting me. All I had to do was breastfeed you and your dad did the rest. Amazing, that man.

Your first few weeks were filled with eating and sleeping. You nursed every 20 minutes and you and I formed this bond that words can't even describe. We stared at each other all day long, and it never got tiring. You would wake me up every hour in the middle of the night and I would just smile at you and your eyes would light up and we would just have our moment. The moment we still share and will hopefully always share.

Your first month you started to smile. Your smile was luminous. It would grab a hold of me and pull me closer to you. A closeness that only you and I could ever know. You were so content. You were so relaxed. You still ate every hour and would wake me up in the middle of the night just as often. I would smile at you, feed you, and fall asleep. It was peaceful, beautiful, amazing.

Your second month was that of laughter. You learned to laugh and you thought everything was funny, especially Jaxon. I started to see a bond forming between you and your brother. It was fascinating to see develop. You still ate every hour during the day and started to sleep a crazy 2 hours in between feedings at night. You slept in the crook of my arm, curled up, your smell putting me at ease.

Your third month was when you learned about new and exiting things other than me. You started to play with toys and I could tell you were beginning to figure out that there was more to life than just me and my boobs (don't worry, it took your Dad a lot longer than 4 months to figure that out) It broke my heart though. I went back to work and you started to hang out with your Dad more. Leaving you at night to go to work was hard. Much harder than I thought it would be. I won't lie, I cried...alot.

Your Fourth month was hard on us all. You were a teething drooling mess. You also started rolling over in bed. It was time to move you out of our bed and into your crib. We braced ourselves for a fight. We envisioned screaming and crying. We put you in the crib and you...slept. You didn't care. It was harder on me than it was on you. In fact you preferred your crib and almost instantly developed a deep love for your bed that I have only seen in one other person...me. You stopped eating every 10 minutes at night and I started to get a little more sleep. The extra sleep made me greedy, I wanted more. I started to crave sleep again.

Your fifth month was that of fun. We took a trip to the beach, swam, and played alot. You started to develop your love for the outside world, just like Dad and your brother. I could see a growing closeness between you and your Dad. You and I had a talk this month. Apparently I had reached maximum saturation on my lack of sleep. My body ached for sleep, and I wasn't getting it. I looked into your eyes and I told you that if I didn't get sleep I was going to burst, burst into flames. You looked back at me, with your gorgeous deep blue eyes and I truly believe you saw my ache, my pain. You understood what I needed and you listened to me. You started sleeping more and eating less at night. It was fantastic. I re energized and told myself that the lack of sleep is the reason I will never be doing this again, EVER, NEVER having another child.

Your sixth month was that of mobility. You began with the cute little army crawl and then decided that belly OFF the ground was probably easier and less painful. Then you were off. I couldn't keep you still. No more, set you down right here so I can grab Jaxon a snack. Your first mission as a new crawler was to try and eat all the pebbles out the fireplace. This is when life got difficult. Juggling 2 very curious little boys became a challenge. It felt like you and your brother were playing this game, and you boys were winning, and I was losing...bad. I'm still trying to figure out the logistics, the rules of this game. It has gotten slightly easier, but I'm still losing.

Your seventh month was that of sleep. You decided that 10 hours of sleep at night was about what you and I needed and you stuck with that. I finally began to get my life back. The dark circles under my eyes began to lighten. I began to regain some of my short term memory, no longer putting milk in the pantry and cereal in the fridge. You started to stand and cruise on the furniture. I braced myself for walking any day, crossing my fingers that you would stick to the cruising longer than your brother had.

Your eighth month was that of play. You loved playing peek a boo, laughing at Jaxon, playing with your toys. You were always laughing or smiling. So happy, and content and peaceful. I was so happy and content and peaceful

Your ninth month was that of attitude. You began to figure out what you wanted and how to get it. If Dad, Jaxon, or I didn't oblige we definitely heard about it. You perfected a scream that whoa, put my cheerleading days to shame. You thought it was hilarious that such a sound could come out of your mouth. You also became a cracker eating machine. I don't know what it is about the cracker but you and Jaxon are obsessed. Ritz, saltine, graham, cheese, wheat, pita...it doesn't matter, just as long as it cracks you're good. You would scream your crazy scream and Dad, Jaxon or I would run through the house, or rummage through our bags or flag down a waiter so that you could have a cracker in your hand. It was all good, once the cracker was in place.

Your Tenth month was that of new discovery. You gave me your first ever kiss. An intentionally, lay one on me, kiss. Yeah, I cried. You will soon learn I'm a total sap, and embrace it just as Jaxon and Daddy do. We did so much this month. You got to meet the shittiest Santa ever, discover the beauty of overeating on Thanksgiving and enjoy the true meaning of Christmas...the presents. You also took your first step, which Daddy and I were both there to see.

Your Eleventh month was that of sacrifice. You learned to give into your big brothers demands. Don't worry Bodhi, it took us just as long (or longer) to figure out its better to just sometimes give in then to fight. Yes, I will include that in my real life parenting book, Chapter 13, thank you very much. You rarely put up a fight unless it involves your blanket. You clearly inherited that trait from your father. You and your brother became amazingly close, even though Jaxon is still confused by you not talking. You're getting so big! Rolls, and teeth, and more rolls and more teeth. I just want to eat you up.

So here we are. The 1st Anniversary of your birth. I lay in bed last night remembering all the sweet moments we shared in your first year. Finally at about 5 am I was able to drift off to sleep. Justin keeps telling me that this is a "good thing", you getting older. Of course I know that its a good thing but I still can't stop crying. My tears are from a place of joy but I also can't help but think that in only 17 more of these anniversaries, you will move away from me and discover a world that doesn't involve me. It really feels like yesterday I was carrying you into the house for the very first time. Holding you in my arms hoping for time to stop.

I love you sweet Bodhi.

Happy Birthday!