The Elf On The Shelf

Just after Christmas last year, while spending some hard earned gift card cash at Borders, I spotted the most amazing gimmick ever to be created for the sake of childhood bribery ever

The Elf On The Shelf. 

I was immediately intrigued by the awesomeness of this thing. Genius. I'm always looking for a good way to con my children into behaving. One of the things that I've learned as a parent, I have much less control than I think. Its just true. I have tactics, ammunition if you will.  My words, they don't do shit without my ammo.  For example, "Jaxon if you promise not to run around the grocery store trying to weigh every piece of produce you see, I'll give you a buddy buck. Then you can stick it in your little "buddy buck" sticker book" (where it will sit for years because I'll never actually cash that shit in) Or, "Jaxon, if you take a really good nap when you wake up I'll make you some yummy hot chocolate" ( Rich Chocolate Ovaltine y'all) You get the drift. Good ol fashioned bribery.

So Elf On The Shelf is right up my alley. The Elf is to join your family during the Holiday Season. He is assigned to watch over the family and then report back to Santa the good and bad things he observes during the day. (Elf is never to mention the 2nd glass of wine that you've poured after the children have gone to bed.)  By morning the Elf is back and in a different spot in the house. It makes for a very fun daily hide and seek ritual. Yay! Fantastic, right?

So Thanksgiving evening we bust out the Elf while the boys are getting ready for bed, Justin puts the Elf on the mantel. We all get in Jaxon's bed and begin reading the book that accompanies the Elf.  Jaxon is listening while Bodhi is crawling over, under, and around, the bed. I was so stoked about it. A tradition in the making. Three pages in, the questions begin. I wasn't prepared for questions. Jaxon was just supposed to listen and then understand. I mean shit its an Elf. An elf that lives in our house, watches our every move, and then reports back to the fat hairy man that brings us presents. How could this possibly evoke question? I continued reading. His mind was working. It was working hard. We finished the story, and walked out to the living room to find our new friend perched on the mantel. I have a collection of Christmas bells on the mantel starting with 1997 and ending in 2008. Elf, was between 2004 and 2005, hunched over staring at the wall in front of him. His black beady eyes gazing into nothing, blankly.  Jaxon spots him and...nothing. Silence. He sways to the right and scopes him out from the side. Sways to the left. Silence. Justin and I are staring at each other. We don't know what to say.  Jaxon finally speaks, "yeah, that's not magic, that's plastic"

Justin and I don't quite know what to say. Its true. Its not magic, it is plastic. We don't want to lie. Justin is trying, but getting nowhere. I say something like "Elf, needs a name"  Jaxon responds while rolling his eyes "Yeah, alright, how about Bell"  He might as well just named him "piece of plastic sitting in between 2004 and 2005" He missed the point completely. So Justin and I start talking. Quickly working some story, pulling it of our ass. We were working on Thanksgiving mimosa's and banana cream pie. I don't even remember what we said to be honest. The words, Christmas, Magic, Santa, PRESENTS, PRESENTS, PRESENTS!!!, were spoke. Jaxon finally, only to get us to shut up, agreed to buy into it.

So, for the next week, we had to read the book before nap and bedtime. I'm pretty sure Jaxon was trying to figure out how the Hell a piece of elf clad plastic with creepy eyes directly related to the amount of loot he acquired for Christmas. He asked questions. Lots and lots of questions. The realist. The thinker. The skeptic. The nonbeliever. The child with the reasoning of an adult. What the HELL? Justin just stayed quiet. All questions were deferred to me. It was a tough week. We made it through and Bell, Bell the creepy Elf, finally joined the family in the matter that I had hoped.

So Bell the Elf,  as I mentioned earlier, is supposed to fly away and report back to Santa every night. He is then supposed to return to a DIFFERENT spot the next morning. We were doing good the first week or so, probably because of pressure to convert the nonbeliever.  One morning, Elf forgot to come back. He "flew back to Santa" while Justin and I were watching Mad Men and drinking bourbon. The next morning, he forgot to come home.  Jaxon woke up, performed his 25 minute routine morning bathroom ritual ( some things just don't need to be blogged about), and went searching for Elf.  Justin and I were still rubbing the sleep soaked bourbon out of our eyes when we finally realized what was happening.  "SHIT! We forgot to put Elf back on the effin shelf!" So I distract Jaxon as Justin quickly finds a spot.  We then answered questions all morning about why Elf hadn't made it home that morning. I came up with some gibberish about his flight being delayed, Santa needing him to cut the grass, he got stuck in traffic.  Jaxon just rolled his eyes while walking  to his room to get dressed.

This happens like 5 more times. Every-time being just as annoying as the first. I am determined that this child will respect those beady little Elf eyes.

So anyway, we continue. I believe we might be breaking ground. I heard him telling Bell the other day that Bodhi wasn't sharing his toys with him. He also told the Elf that he wanted a watch for Christmas. However, all hopes that my rambunctious, energetic, don't stop til you get enough, Jaxon would turn into a angelic well behaved child all due to Bell, the Elf On The Shelf are no longer entertained.

That Damn Elf on a Mutha Fuckin Shelf!