It's that time again. The time in which I fool myself into believing that THIS year I'll be just fine. I can handle it. I'm not bothered by this. I feel just fine y'all. Just EFFIN! FINE!!!
Alright, its a lie. I'm not fine with this. I never am. Will I ever be? Probably not. My baby y'all, my baby is 2.
I can longer refer to his age in months, he's now just 2. 2 YEARS old. Then 3. Then 8. Then 42.
Last week someone asked me how I felt about Bodhi turning 2. I responded with something like, "eh whatever its just another year." That my friends, is emotional suppression at its finest. I'm actually pretty damn good at it.
I spent my entire day today in a breastfeeding education course for work. It brought me back to the days my sweet Bodhi and I would just sit in the rocking chair in his room, staring at each other. Just the two of us. He nursing, I breathing. We formed a bond that I can't even begin to describe. And today, I sat in this class, remembering every moment.
This shit always happens to me. At some point, when I least expect it of course, those suppressed emotions sneak up on me. Next thing you know I'm driving down I-35 trying to find some shitass toll road in the middle of I don't know where the Hell I am North Austin, surrounded by TGIF's and Applebees and Chili's and IKEA and three 18 wheelers all up on my ass going 95 and all of a sudden it hits me. Bodhi will be 2 tomorrow. I start to feel the lump in my throat. The tears begin to swell in my eyes. I blink. I cry. A 1996 Dodge Neon with spinning rims zooms past me and I can barely laugh, but obviously I still do.
Then I start to think about the last two years. How amazing they've been. I really can't think of a better word. Its just been so...amazing. Holy shit, the emotions these boys pull out in me. The joy, pride, anger, fear, happiness, frustration, pure utter bliss, that I feel everyday, 400 billion times over. It's just AMAZING.
My sweet Bodhi. His happiness with life is contagious. He is filled with love. Love that then fills all of us. He finds life and joy in everything he puts his pudgy little hands on. He is quiet. Listens to our words, watches our emotions. He makes sure to greet every person, animal, thing with a slow melodic "hiiiiii" He adores hugs and kisses, asking for them all day long. He paces the house waiting for his brother to make a move while his blanket ("Night Night") drags behind him, his thumb resting in his mouth. He sings to me while folding himself in my arms. The corners of his lips draw up slowly until my eyes meet his and then the cutest smile that I have ever witnessed will emerge, melting my heart. This boy is fan-freaking-tastic y'all.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET BODHI
I look forward to every day we spend together.
4 comments:
I remember visiting you and sweet Bodhi in the hospital when he was born like it was yesterday, and thinking (honestly) that he was the most handsome little baby I'd seen. <3
Happy Birthday, Bodhi!! Just wait until the 5th birthday. You know, the birthday after which he'll start Kindergarten. Talk about a cry fest. I feel ya, babe.
Happy birthday Bodhi!!
Aww! Love the pictures! It's so hard to admit they're growing up isn't it? On one hand it feels like I spend the majority of time anxiously wishing they were older and more self-sufficient and then on the other it's like "MY BAY-BEEEEEES!" This parenting thing makes you schizo, doesn't it? (Meaning me, not you)
Post a Comment